Pirates Reportedly Pumping Refugee Stomachs for Profit in Somalia
September 21, 2011
MOGADISHU – Pirates active in the East Africa region have been reportedly pumping food out of the stomachs of starving famine victims and then selling the product at local markets. Famine victims are routinely given food by aid distributors in refugee camps, and journalists from the west will often even photograph the famine victims eating the food, before the pirates come and steal it directly from the stomachs of famine victims.
“As soon as the journalists leave, in swoop the pirates with their stomach pumping equipment,” says Ali Said Nur, who lives in a camp north of Mogadishu. He continued, “I heard that they market the stomach contents to westerners as baby food and mark it up 300%.”
Though reports of the stomach contents being sold as baby food are yet unconfirmed, one can only imagine the difference in urgency of need between the famine victims and those who eventually receive the predigested slurry.
“We acknowledge that the pirates are engaging in the practice of stomach mining, and we are actively exploring the formation of a special committee which would investigate the possibility of investigating methods to mitigate the effects of the stomach piracy,” said Brian Michaels, a spokesman for The UN’s World Food Programme (WFP).
“Where there is chaos, there is profit,” says one pirate who refused to give his name. “Yeah, we profit off of the weekly deaths of thousands of children under the age of 5, but hey. I gotta get paid. Do you have any idea how expensive it is to get a tailored Gucci suit shipped into Mogadishu?” The pirate continued, somewhat incoherently, “Girls up in this piece ain’t DTF [sic] less you got the suits and the dowries.”
Said an 8 year old refugee, through a translator, who, far older than the median age for the region, has attained chief-like status among his neighbors: “I kept my breakfast in my stomach for over 20 minutes today, and I think I really started to absorb some nutrients there, for a bit, before the pirates came.”
Clearly, hope abounds.
…My attempt at an impersonation of The Onion
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