Pirates Reportedly Pumping Refugee Stomachs for Profit in Somalia

September 21, 2011

September 21, 2011

MOGADISHU – Pirates active in the East Africa region have been reportedly pumping food out of the stomachs of starving famine victims and then selling the product at local markets.  Famine victims are routinely given food by aid distributors in refugee camps, and journalists from the west will often even photograph the famine victims eating the food, before the pirates come and steal it directly from the stomachs of famine victims.

Over a million deaths are expected to occur, a majority being children.

“As soon as the journalists leave, in swoop the pirates with their stomach pumping equipment,” says Ali Said Nur, who lives in a camp north of Mogadishu.  He continued, “I heard that they market the stomach contents to westerners as baby food and mark it up 300%.”

Though reports of the stomach contents being sold as baby food are yet unconfirmed, one can only imagine the difference in urgency of need between the famine victims and those who eventually receive the predigested slurry.

“We acknowledge that the pirates are engaging in the practice of stomach mining, and we are actively exploring the formation of a special committee which would investigate the possibility of investigating methods to mitigate the effects of the stomach piracy,” said Brian Michaels, a spokesman for The UN’s World Food Programme (WFP).

A zealous pirate en route to one of many stomach-pumping raids.

“Where there is chaos, there is profit,” says one pirate who refused to give his name.  “Yeah, we profit off of the weekly deaths of thousands of children under the age of 5, but hey.  I gotta get paid.  Do you have any idea how expensive it is to get a tailored Gucci suit shipped into Mogadishu?”    The pirate continued, somewhat incoherently, “Girls up in this piece ain’t DTF [sic] less you got the suits and the dowries.”

Said an 8 year old refugee,  through a translator, who, far older than the median age for the region, has attained chief-like status among his neighbors: “I kept my breakfast in my stomach for over 20 minutes today, and I think I really started to absorb some nutrients there, for a bit, before the pirates came.”

Clearly, hope abounds.

…My attempt at an impersonation of The Onion

- words on donating

Food aid is actually being stolen from famine victims, that much is not a joke.  Hundreds of thousands are dying…


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#Economics and Society #Satire
1 Comment
Justin Stikeleather
May 6, 2013 @ 6:51 pm

Data on global food aid deliveries in metric tons are from the database of the International Food Aid Information System (INTERFAIS), which was developed by WFP as a contribution to a coordinated international response to food aid shortages. INTERFAIS is a dynamic system, which involves the interaction of all users, represented by donor governments, international organizations, non-governmental organizations, recipient countries and WFP field offices. They are sharing information and data on food aid transactions.;.

Be well


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